Emma was born so early that she identified as a “Micro-Preemie.” That is, she weighed less than 800 grams and was born before 26 weeks.
When I first met her, she was about 9 months old and weighed 15lbs, and she had a lot of fears about being picked up. Her history had included a lot of being jabbed with needles and having to be confined while procedures were
performed or medication was administered.
Her cries of protest the first few times I tried to change her diaper were so loud, and she struggled so vigorously that I almost felt that I would not be able to change her. She was an incredibly strong little person, both emotionally and physically!
But that day, despite her reaction, I said gently, “I am going to change you.”
To a baby, this is the equivalent of setting a limit.
I took a breath and released the tension that I could feel in my own shoulders as she cried. Now I felt ready to listen to her strong feelings.
I made eye contact with her at the changing table but I didn’t “Shhh” her or say, “You are OK,” or hug her tightly, although it was tempting to do all of those things – this little one is so precious and touches my heart.
Instead, I held her gaze and listened.
I kept my face calm and I nodded a few times as the minutes passed. I said, “I am sorry that it was so hard for you.”
Sometimes I also added, “I am here for you.”
And that was the start of many listening times I shared with baby Emma.
Each day when I picked her up or did anything to her body, or I would try to change her, she would begin to release some of her fears and discomfort. Yet, she would always begin to relax after our eyes made good contact and I noticed that she went to sleep very easily with my help after these sessions.
Listening to this “Micro-Preemie” was a powerful experience for me, and reinforced for me again that Staylistening is possible with even very little ones. I truly believe that listening to babies is one of the most important things we can do as parents and teachers, although because it takes time, it can be a challenge to make happen.
Another thing that always surprises me is how easily young children recognize the intention of a calm listener and take advantage of it. I learned that Emma could recognize me as a listener very quickly, even then.
Now, at almost two years old, she is doing so well at school, and she still visibly relaxes when I am able to sit with her and listen.
From the Hand in Hand Toolbox:
Find out why babies need to cry in Let’s Talk About Crying
Parenting can be emotional work. Get help with these podcasts for new parents
Our book is out! Read Listen: Five Simple Tools To Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges
Laura Minnigerode is a certified Hand in Hand Instructor living in Austin, Texas with her partner, 3 children and 3 dogs. You can contact Laura at Listening for Good
